We will have faith!

I am having a hard time writing this blog in my mind, so if you read this post...i decided to actually post it. Sometimes I write blogs to journal what my heart is feeling or needing to release, thankfully I feel sometimes like it's a great therapy session for free! This last week was a big stretch of faith, emotions, reality, fear, pain, it all for Mike and I. We have been working hard with ellie to eat as much as she possible can by mouth. Some weeks we as parents are greatly encouraged while other weeks I almost hold my breath as my weak heart musters up the stamina for another "not a good feed." As we still hope and believe that one day we will rejoice and celebrate to the fullest when we get ellie's feeding tube port taken out- for now we are sooooooooooooooo very thankful that there is a medical device like this to keep her tummy fed and see her growth fill with a little baby lovin as we love her chunck legs! Nothing cuter than a little love on a baby...adorable!

So our main concerns recently with ellie have been- eating, ear infections, staying congested with fevers and all. Ellie is 8 months (as of yesterday), and has had 10 ear infections, some double, some one ear only. Through all this she has been more than the sweetest thing. She for sure isn't going to be a complainer....she just works through each day taking what that day gives her and is constantly showing me the sweet love of Christ through her gummy smiles and continuous joy.

Last week we took ellie to the ENT for a follow up check up after getting tubes put in about a month ago. Thankfully, she didn't have an ear infection- that was a huge thing for us! But we did do some hearing test and she for sure failed them hands down. Mike went into a sound box with her and sat her on the edge of his legs letting her sit on his knees. The lady who tested ellie's ears got on a microphone and started scooting her voice on different directions of the booth. Trying to make ellie turn her head to the noises. This lady shook rattles, made her voice louder and softer, in fact her voice got so loud at one point mike thought his ears were going to explode. Ellie didn't respond to much in the booth. I was sitting outside of the booth listening- holding back tears- as i hear the speaker saying to her co-worker,"this isn't good, she isn't doing anything for me!" My stomach turned a bit- "God, help me as a mom to be strong." The speaker tried and tried. Started getting new toys out to try. "God, oh God can I do this if my sweet baby girl can't hear?" The couch below me felt like I was stuck. I thought- when they come out- if this lady says a word to me, I am going to loose it completely. "God, I am not sure I can move." The doors to the sound booth opened- I try to swallow- it was one of those hard swallows- I look up and there she is. Ellie's most adorable- gummy smile, and big bright eyes just beamed at me. It was like she was looking at me saying- mommy i tried. God at that given moment gave me a breath to breathe.....I felt God's Holy strength fill me as I sadly looked in my husbands eyes. He said- what does this mean? The lady didn't want to say too much, except- she for sure is not hearing well- so why don't u guys go back to the ent's waiting room for a minute and we'll see what your doctor thinks about this. I don't even remember that walk to the waiting room- I think I floated. I was truly in a fog. "Lord- how much can we take?" I sat just sitting there- Mike too was kinda just out of it. We finally were called back to talk with our ENT again....and he said- we aren't going to do anything or make any major calls about her hearing until we do a brain scan. This will show us what her ears are saying to her brain. He could tell we were in a state of shock. He said- don't think about anything until we do this test. So for you all again that are so constantly encouraging us and praying for our ellie- I ask you to cover her on sept 20th at 9am. We will be taking her to children's here and after the test- again meet with her great ENT for the follow up of how the test went. I will post something that day or the next day about how the scan went. I am encouraged to know that God is with me, He will NEVER leave us, and I know He created Ellie absolutely like He wanted her. He knit her in my womb perfectly beautiful and lovely- and ohhhh how he adores her spirit, spunk, and peaceful nature. We aren't giving up!