embrace!

We have a God that cares for us in a way I am learning more and more as I take these small steps in life to refine the trueness of my heart, flesh, and desires, emptiness, realness, and faith. As a mother of two kids, there are days my heart wants to leap or explode in excitement as I watch my little loves run around my house, sleep in their beds, get as much food on the floor as went in their tummies, cuddle so closely, get their first boo boo, or rejoice when their both napping at the same time, there are so many days that in my book are great. Last week, after swallowing the news of ellie's hearing test, no matter what I did- I was just in a funk! I couldn't snap out of it- where was my new found joy in the mornings? I'd get the kids down and say- Ok Lord- Here I am. I would go in my room and pray, spend some quality time with Him, rest as much as a could, yet my heart just didn't feel it's self at all. I had moment I wanted to burst into tears as I rocked ellie to sleep, just whispering scripture and prayers in her ears. I thought- Lord in times that are hard- I will stand by you still- I will not come down- I will not let this battle get to me. Even being sad- we will do this. There was nothing.

Even at night, normally when i hit the pillow my eyes are normally ready to rest faster than my body can get under the covers. I would just toss and turn- my night stand light- I'd flip on and read more and more scripture, trying to cover my heart with nothing but truth. As most of you know I love to run- since having two kids I have been trying to work myself back into a daily habit of running-even if I am pushing a double stroller- it's always been a great outlet for me. So this past week I tried to run more than normal. I found my stride getting faster and faster at one moment. I just stopped and started walking. "God, please grasp my heart and hold it tighter than I can imagine- I am so restless right now. " Then yesterday, we got up- I got ellie ready- left Graham with my mom (bi bi) and took ellie to her first appt at the bell center here in homewood. The bell center is an amazing privately funded program that works with helping children hit mile stones in their development. Even kids that are born premature can go. You do have to qualify after 4 therapist do an eval on your child, but from what I had heard from the most random people recently- it is an amazing program for children with extra needs or help. So ellie qualified b/c she has a g-tube and need some extra help with her feeds. I walked in the door at 9 am. I am pushing ellie in the stroller. As I enter the door there was a long hallway of all the 3 yr olds that had graduated from the bell center- sitting with miss betty bell! I saw the sweetest little faces ever- some had downs, some were in wheel chairs, some looked completely normal. There smiles were beyond happy. I just took a deep breath- and as I did- my body filled with chill bumps I held back tears as I stared at the most beautiful children before me, God in his mighty way said- this is the peace I give you shelli." I had to stop in the hallway- I just spoke the words out loud to Him, I feel your peace and I thank you Lord, I thank you so much. Then, I looked down at my little ellie- and said- thank you ellie for letting your mom come here and experience this amazing opportunity with you I am delighted. If she didn't have these feeding issues, we'd be going about our 'be bobbin' life just carrying on. Other moms ask me all the time how I do it day in and day out with ellie- it's what we have to do- and it's such a joy to mother her. Her complete love for life is adorable.

So we met our new 4 therapist friends that will be working with ellie 2 times a week with basically anything she needs. She laughed and babbled at them the entire time. I think she thought this is the best play time ever- 4 new friends that play with me? What more could we want!? The timing will be hard at times- this would be a piece of cake if i didn't have a 2 yr old at home, but we are totally ok and know that we'll have family and babysitters to come play with Graham during that hr twice a week! So as my mom and so many friends tell me- everywhere i go or my mom goes or at mike's work, everywhere people are praying for ellie. Thank u isn't even appropriate in my book. So thankful though! Have a great weekend to you all! ;)