a mother's journey....

I feel like everyday right now is turtle speed to the end of this pregnancy.  I am so very thankful each day Harper Kate is in me....so thankful.  But, these end days are for sure days of waddling, pea size bladder control, contractions if i barely move, moments i am trying to saver while my 2, and huge belly no doubt!
I went to the doctor yesterday for my weekly check up.  And, yes, again....ended up in labor and delivery.  It's sad that went I walk in all the nurse, say- hi to me by name- and say- oh girl, we are so sad you have to be here again.  In the midst of it all, I am beyond thankful for my doctor and her constant care to me and my 3rd child.  She knows my history with pre-eclampsia with graham, and early pre-term labor issues I had with miss ellie.  But, you never know- never had one contraction with graham- just PIH issues and had him at 32 weeks, and miss ellie contracted from 21 weeks on, and made it to almost 38 weeks with her.  God keeps me on my knees, right?
So, yesterday.... I went into the office and my blood pressure spiked in the office- not too high- just enough to alarm my doc due to my history of pre-eclampsia with graham.  She doesn't want me to get in the state I got with him, so sick, with meds, mag drip, and all...she is watching me so closely. I got an ultra sound to see what hk is weighing just in case my c-section is near- and for 33 weeks today- she is weighing 4.9lbs.  Such great news for this gestation!  Almost 5 lbs! 

They monitored me and my contractions are still coming, even with meds on board.  Several of you have asked me how I am doing- b/c if this week I have a c-section most likely my sweet girl will go to the nicu.  Its hard.  My dream to take a baby home with me, and come back from the OR with me to the room and be with mike and i and family is something- I would just love, actually can't really imagine it.
 Visiting friends through the years who have their baby in the room with them, brings so much joy to my heart for them.  It's such a bonding moment- and so sweet for others to see their new blessing. I love it when mom's are holding their little burritos, with that mommy glow on their face. So sweet! Aughhhh- so sweet!  Sometimes its almost emotional for me, b/c I am so happy for their loves being so close in their arms to what they need, their mommy's!  But, I will tell you this....my experiences with graham and mostly ellie's journey in the nicu stretch my faith (almost too much), and showed me jesus more than any experience I've walked through or pulled through i should say...  I had nothing with in but Him.  Nothing. And, at that time I most likely would have said- I didn't even feel him at the time...but looking back....how mighty his love was.  Covering me as a mommy- confused, hurt, scared, in love with me new 1st girl, hopeless, but hopeful at the same time.  God taught me how to truly cast all my cares on him. Through ellie's eating issues, transferring of nicu's, tears, lack of sleep, and a mother to a 20 month old at home....He carried me.  Did I enjoy it- not one minute.  Honestly.

But, Gods plans have given me a little 2 1/2 year old that is now walking, talking, eating, DRINKING, laughing, smiling, running, playing, and loving all she meets.  It's been a different journey for sure.  Lonely days as a mom, but days God taught me- their are angels on this earth for sure- special needs children can show jesus's face more clearly sometimes than anything.  She brings such joy into our lives.  She can make me laugh- even in her new 2 year old way of saying, "no" as firmly as she can.  HIS faithfulness has been true...He has never left me.  Even through my emotional days in her life, I've known He is there.  About once a month- her first year of life, I would have days as her mom I felt so helpless.  She really didn't begin moving well, eating anything at all, or giving much feed back of anything- until about 15 months old. I did so much therapy- I just wanted her to do something- sit, want to play with toys, not gag on baby food, hold her own cup, small things other kids did so easily.  In these days- I had nothing.  My champion hubby, knew these days, the hard ones-my heart cant seem to hide from him, even as hard as i try. So Mike would quietly stay home from work- without me asking- take ellie somewhere- and let me be.  Some days the tears were endless- some- I just needed rest.  Ellie's nights have been a battle for sure.  She was being fed through a pump at the time- and I was up all hours filling and cleaning feeding bags.  It may seems so foreign to you as you read this....it would have to me b/f having ellie.  But it became our life.  Our norm, to speak.  Graham has never tried to touch, pull, or play with her g-tube in her tummy. Not once.  It is his little sister's and that's that to him.  He knows not everyone has one, but he is ok with it- and loves her for ellie. God also knew just what kind of brother ellie needed- a strong, leading, boy to help her along the way.  I tell him all the time! Some might have seen me in a different light through all this- I struggled for sure.  My life was centered around a child eating.  I NEVER wanted to complain b/c our life was what is was. I wanted to be ok with it.  I had days where simple a phone call was too hard for me.  I didn't want 9 million questions thrown my way about how she was- because there were days, and weeks no progress happened. And I had nothing.  Through these days I wasn't myself- I was just being the best I could be. Daily- I prayer NEVER to loose my joy..and that sweet joy was given each day as I walked into ellie's room and saw that smile. Joy.  It's hard to understand until you walk through a daily battle in anything in life.  And then some who never called because they didn't know what to say.  Ive surely learned a lot through this.  Sometimes- those who never said anything concrete or the "perfect" words but, just gave love and encouragement- you have no clue.  It got me through..and mike to know your heart cared. Thank you for the grace given to me through the hard days, not feeling yourself through struggles, but knowing Jesus is your hope- it WILL get you through.  It's not kicks and giggles, or a glorious lime light thing at all, it's hard. And I have learned I don't have it all together, my sinful nature is sinful for sure!  Forgive me if as a mom through these 2 years if I seemed distant to any- tearfully- my heart in no way wanted to reflect that- we were just making it through our daily lives- holding tight to Him-each day- and loving on miss ellie. Graham- oh my graham- he couldn't have walked through all this with such a bug heart....he knows...he cares...and we are so proud of him for always going with the flow.

So in the midst of my mothering experience- it's been different.  Sad, at times.  But the excitement in our family when ellie has accomplished small task- the glory out shines the bad for sure.  She is the most loving child.  Busy now, for sure!  But- will grab your heart and steal it for a while, if you're around her.  Having a special needs children (which I couldn't even really say until she was 2), are blessings- did I ever think I would be a mom to one?  Hmmmmmm, no.  No mom is ready to hear those words.  Has God brought people in our lives, and hers to make the journey easier and real.  Yes. God gave us an OT babysitter that LOVES ellie for everything she is. Loves her.  My world took a little more of a breath when maggie walked into our lives.  I didn't realize the stress I carried until i could actually go somewhere with worried constantly, or checking my phone every 3 minutes, then wondering why I am even on a date when I can't even enjoy it b/c Im so worried about ellie.
Maggie came to me- she has now earned the name- auntie mags.  Another sweet soul- at ellie's therapy school- Ms Pat.  Is a late 60's or early 70's lady that scooped ellie up in her arms- loved on her, had hope in ellie from day one.  Every day ellie goes to school, she says "pat" the whole way to school.  This lady- is simple, real, and her smile for ellie is something I can't explain.  She calls herself- ellie's black grandmother- and she can gladly have that title.  These people, along with family have constant encouraged me, prayed for my child, given me hope, and believed in ellie- even if her road was a little different than most.

I know our journey has been different than most, and some have it way harder than we do and did walking through nicu experiences.  He doesn't waste ONE moment.  So, yes I want more than anything to skip this nicu process this go round with hk, but if He takes me there....I do have a little tender spot for their little bits in the nicu.  I know the emotions of nicu is so hard, so empty when you leave your newly born miracle in the hands of someone else...its a gut hurt.  A pain that is just not right- b/c everyone mommy wants their sweet baby in their arms.  God works.....I promise.

So my prayer for harper kate, is to have healthy lungs.  They gave me in labor and delivery the steroid shot to help develop her lungs.  I go in on fri to get the 2nd round.  That is if I need to delivery this week.  The shot only last 7 days.  But, once you hit 34 weeks, you can't get the shot, so my amazing doc is covering her basis just in case. 

I did get to come home around 10pm....home to rest.  I am on bed rest fully- not fun with 2 little ones, but my body tells me for sure when enough is enough.  Thank you all for your constant love, and prayers.  I already feel like hk has a huge family of aunties here in bham that are praying with their children for a baby that is not quite here yet...thank you!
As for now, that is my heart, and my post.  I go back in on monday aug 6th....might be the day- as for now I am holding on too, God knows when she will take her first breath- and I will be one grateful mommy.
My most exciting moment- for hear her scream- and to have my 4 year old meet harper, and ellie to be a big sister to a little baby-what a moment.