He speaks....

We've had a relaxing weekend.  It is almost like Christmas around here when we know daddy has an extra day off work- to make our weekend just a little bit longer, what a treat!  I want to share what God is doing in our family and in our lives right now.  Why do I want to share?  Because over the last 6 to 8 months, my heart has been completely broken, worn out, discouraged, lonely, and frustrated.  Oh goodness you are thinking, right?  Well, as a believer I know that we all have to walk down lonely paths, hard paths, to strengthen our faith, and grow in our relationship with God. I know all this is be true.  I know it.  But, the last 6 months no matter what I walked through...I didn't "feel" God in any of it.  Did I know he was there...yes yes yes.  But did I "feel" him, no.  We have been in many difficult doctor appointments with miss ellie.  I will NEVER forget the words of the neo- doc looking into my eyes the day ellie left her 6 week stay in the nicu, and saying- "shelli, this child will be in and out of many doctors offices, just hold tight, you will not experience what you did with your first child."  Well, as sad and gloomy as that sounds- it was true.  But let me bring a little light into this, I would do this all over again, all the doc appointments, all the monthly illnesses, sleepless nights (not easy), cleaning up throw up, and the reason is.......ELLIE is almost 18 months old and just this week is getting up on all fours and scooting all over the place. JOY!  Let me tell you....when you have done therapy like we have and constantly feel like you only smash a little harder into that brick wall...this weekend mike and i have thought....really, is she really moving all over the place?!  She is!  I tell you- to see the smile explode on her face and the pure-determination-look that covers her face as she goes and scoots....it is so exciting in such a thankful way (if that makes any sense!).
As a mom- we all want our kids to be the best, to do everything so well, not to struggle, why would we want them to struggle?  This is why I have been so burdened the last 6 months.  I don't know anyone around me that has the struggles miss ellie does, but even though that is ok in my heart and I rejoice she is ours...it is lonely at times because we have to do everything so incredible different.  I can't ask people to understand something that you can't really understand until you live in it.  And then we've had to really overcome the people who stare at us while we feed her in public, or the endless questions of -"have i tried this for her".  I just want to scream and say- about 1,000 times and she just can't do it or get it!  My heart is human! Mike and I now find it kind of funny now when we're in public because we have just had to make light of the subject.  I have had amazing friends stand by me, cheer me on, and family pray with me constantly- oh so constantly.
So-this weekend even though i didn't really want to read His word...I did.  The verse- do everything for the GLORY of the Lord- Could have been in purple font shouting out to me.  I thought- I do love being a mom, a wife, a daughter, and friend...ect....But am I doing it for the GLORY of my God?  Hmmmmmm, not everyday!  So, Saturday I molded this to my heart...no matter what my day threw at me, this was my motto! Nothing was fuzzy, or wonderful feeling, but I felt the presence of God covering my emotions, heart, and strength.   I realized God has been speaking to me for sure, and how he really has been there even when I haven't felt him.  And like I stated before I knew in the depths of my heart He was there- and I knew that, I was just struggling as a mom to see your child gasp and choke while eating, not sit until 13 months, the list goes on, but it felt like we weren't making progress anywhere. 
We met a lady today at church that has a 20 year old son.  She was asking me why ellie had a g-tube, then teared up just a little and said- "you know my son had a g-tube until he was toddler, and now he is 235lbs and you'd never think he ever didn't like to eat." She said it so matter of fact and it came so out of left field to me, I was just standing there stunned. I truly didn't know what to say at first.  I just looked at her eyes, and said....really, he does?!  She acted like it was absolutely no big deal at all that ellie had a g-tube.   Well, there I was like a magnet to her at that point...asking her questions about her son's development, feeds, doctors, the whole nine yards.........such a blessing to me....i needed her, that talk, someone to relate!  I walked away from her- got in the car- mike just looked at me.  I said- and God doesn't care about my small mothering heart does he?  He does.  Oh my goodness he does! 

                                                                she loves sunglasses

SO- I share this because we have been in a hard place as a family the last year really.  It has been a hard battle.  And as we all know when we get down, worn out, and don't sleep, then you get sick.  We have had our rounds of illness- no doubt.  But, for any mom that is struggle with anything- from big to small.....disciplining, whatever the issue is, anything at all--I pray you read this and know- God cares.  He does!  I KNOW we have miss ellie to see Jesus in her smile, excitement when she eats well (she'll clap for herself), I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Whatever your fears are as a mom, friend, daughter, sister, God cares about those small details I can promise you!